My Struggling Journey

And I’m starting to write in my journal again.

I just love the smell of opening the pages.

When i first brought the journal

almost 2 years ago.

I sprayed it with perfume.

The smell of my mother.

White diamonds.

I love that every time i open it

its like shes right next to me.

Guiding my thoughts.

Making me feel safe.

Making me feel happy.

But looking in my journal

looks anything but happy.

I haven’t written in it since 12/9/11.

And you can hardly understand what i wrote.

I must’ve been in a drunken state

the only thoughts i can manage to get from it

is how much i hate Chris.

[which i don’t]

How much i hate life.

[which i don’t]

And how much i hate myself.

[which i don’t]

When you encounter someone like me

you must realize our bad thoughts and feelings

isn’t really how we feel.

I actually love my life and my husband and my family

and most importantly myself!

But sometimes my mind is telling me differently.

It makes me feel like a different person.

Like I’m someone else, kinda like I’m possessed.

Fortunately

my heart is still intact and knows better.

It acts as if it were my immune system 

attempting to fight off deadly diseases.

It knows these thoughts shouldn’t be there

so it over powers them

and gets rid them.

Sometimes some thoughts are harder to fight off

which puts me in an intense depressed state.

But i try and relax

and breathe

I think happy thoughts

until its over.

I must be alone during this process

because if I’m not

i tend to get angry and yell at Chris.

whether he’s home, working, overseas

i make it happen.

Sometimes i feel bad

but i choose him every time

because i know he can handle it.

I know, he knows this isn’t me.

I can get really mean and not know what I’m saying.

Sometimes i get so mean that i try and push him to the point of leaving me.

He hasn’t yet, which is a great thing!

I wish this wasn’t me.

I want this feeling to go away.

No one deserves to live like this.

No one deserves to wonder everyday

if they should get out of bed or not!

I woke up this morning

and my first thought was

ohh boy, whats gonna trigger my depression today?

Whats gonna cause me to have anxiety? 

What horrible but not really horrible thing

will cause me to think about getting a drink?

You see, its actually funny

i have wine in my fridge.

I feel like i test myself.

I don’t drink it but its there if i wanna drink it.

I think about drinking it

but i don’t drink it.

And when i get to the point that i want a drink.

I do what every girl in this world does with food.

I pretend its gonna add 15lbs!

And it works!

Why would i wanna gain weight when I’m trying so hard to lose.

So for all you alchys out there

next time you pick up a drink

think about that 15lbs your gonna gain ;D

But in all seriousness

I love this journal.

It has gotten me through a lot of panic attacks.

A lot of terrible thoughts.

And a lot of crying.

This journal is my baby.

Without it

i don’t think i would be married right now.

And if Chris read it

i don’t think id be married right now!

A passage from my journal:

                        March 11,2011

And he told me earlier…..him: “your depression is ruining you!” and i thought “yes, yes it is” him: Your not the same person! me: “no, no I’m not!” And right then my world stopped, spiraled, diminished! i stopped and thought “what the fuck! if you’ve been through half the shit i have, you’d be just as fucked up in the head as i am! FUCK YOU, YOU HEARTLESS PIECE OF SHIT!

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4 thoughts on “My Struggling Journey

  1. chaotican says:

    Good luck in your struggles, hon.

  2. rrielmiya says:

    “Fortunately my heart is still intact and knows better. It acts as if it were my immune system  attempting to fight off deadly diseases. It knows these thoughts shouldn’t be there so it over powers them and gets rid them. Sometimes some thoughts are harder to fight off which puts me in an intense depressed state. But i try and relax and breathe I think happy thoughts until its over.”

    Beautiful<3 You have mommy's heart. Pure and strong…sometimes when i hug you I feel like i'm hugging mommy, because there's sorrow and strength inside of you but literally all the love you have within you comes through your embrace so strong! i love you big sis<3

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