Decietful Desires

I love going into the back screened in porch in my house

just to feel a chill in the air!

It reminds me my husband will be back in my arms soon enough

i cant wait i need this!

I hate that he’s so far

and it sucks, that my thoughts make me angry at him sometimes.

For no reason, but he takes it.

He says he understands

its funny, he understands

cause i still don’t even understand this shit!

The psychologist told me i was suffering from ptsd.

Crazy right?

My husband is deployed

and I’m the one sitting at home struggling with this crap.

When one gets deployed they know

they’re likely to come home with ptsd.

But me

I didn’t sign up for this.

I didn’t ask for this.

I don’t want this!

Its getting harder to blend in as someone “normal”

You know

The cheesy smile

Fake laughter

Corney jokes

You may not know but

Its really hard for me to even carry on a conversation

Whats there to talk about ?

Nothing.

I don’t wanna be on of those people who make things about them.

I don’t like making things about me.

I sit in a house all day

doing nothing.

Thinking nothing.

But wanting everything!

I miss when my husband was home, he’d give me time to take a nap.

Its The only time i really dreamed.

You see, my thoughts of hate and anger keep me up all night.

I see constant shadows of people or things!

I constantly feel like someones following me.

So when i dream, its like a break from reality.

I dream hopes

of life

Success

Normalcy

Happily ever afters

You see meeting my husband was the start of my fairytale

but unfortunately i don’t know how it’ll end.

Good, bad, i don’t know.

I don’t even wanna know.

I’m comfortable knowing that I’m happy with him now

and i never wanna lose that happy.

Its changed things.

I like change, good change.

I just wish i could be better right now for him.

I HATE feeling defective.

In march well be together for 4 years.

That’s 4 years of him dealing with me.

My screaming

My outburst

My crying

My constant complaining

Its a lot to deal with

and he handles it like a champ.

I’m lucky!

And very fortunate to have him.

I wish my my mind

would just appreciate that already

and stop fucking with me.

He deserves someone better.

And that’s what confuses me

I hope he didn’t just settle for me

cause that would break my heart!

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