I love going into the back screened in porch in my house
just to feel a chill in the air!
It reminds me my husband will be back in my arms soon enough
i cant wait i need this!
I hate that he’s so far
and it sucks, that my thoughts make me angry at him sometimes.
For no reason, but he takes it.
He says he understands
its funny, he understands
cause i still don’t even understand this shit!
The psychologist told me i was suffering from ptsd.
My husband is deployed
and I’m the one sitting at home struggling with this crap.
When one gets deployed they know
they’re likely to come home with ptsd.
I didn’t sign up for this.
I didn’t ask for this.
I don’t want this!
Its getting harder to blend in as someone “normal”
The cheesy smile
You may not know but
Its really hard for me to even carry on a conversation
Whats there to talk about ?
I don’t wanna be on of those people who make things about them.
I don’t like making things about me.
I sit in a house all day
But wanting everything!
I miss when my husband was home, he’d give me time to take a nap.
Its The only time i really dreamed.
You see, my thoughts of hate and anger keep me up all night.
I see constant shadows of people or things!
I constantly feel like someones following me.
So when i dream, its like a break from reality.
I dream hopes
Happily ever afters
You see meeting my husband was the start of my fairytale
but unfortunately i don’t know how it’ll end.
Good, bad, i don’t know.
I don’t even wanna know.
I’m comfortable knowing that I’m happy with him now
and i never wanna lose that happy.
Its changed things.
I like change, good change.
I just wish i could be better right now for him.
I HATE feeling defective.
In march well be together for 4 years.
That’s 4 years of him dealing with me.
My constant complaining
Its a lot to deal with
and he handles it like a champ.
And very fortunate to have him.
I wish my my mind
would just appreciate that already
and stop fucking with me.
He deserves someone better.
And that’s what confuses me
I hope he didn’t just settle for me
cause that would break my heart!