Processed Thoughts

That feeling of “now what” ?

After you get home from dropping off your significant other!

I remember when i left Chris the day he was deployed

and also r&r

I got home

Sat on the couch

and literally out loud i said

“Now what?”

I felt so stupid talking to myself

and my kids looked at me like i was crazy!

But that’s how strongly i felt about it

“Now fucking what?!”

At that moment i knew i shouldn’t even worry about talking to myself

I knew i had a whole year to talk to myself.

So i started then and there!

Contemplating on how lost i felt

and how lost i would feel for a whole entire year.

Looking back now

I don’t even remember November to yesterday

This whole year has been a blurry shithole.

and I’m so happy I’m almost done with this crap!

I’m honestly proud of myself

Its so funny

I have anxiety attacks almost everyday

I’m a worry wart

and usually worrying about unnecessary things trigger my attacks.

[Obviously]

Like me stubbing my toe.

Ill eventually feel like it’ll have to be amputated

and ill freak out about that!

Not im a hypocondract freak out!

But contemplating back and fourth

the possiblities

my toe would to be amputated freak out.

Chris will go to bed early and get off skype with me.

I automatically assume hes gonna leave me.

I get a 10 thousand dollar bill for pushing a baby out.

and i automatically think

“shit I’m broke” not thinking

“wait maybe i should call the insurance company”

but back to my point

I’ve realized i don’t even remember what half of my attacks are about

or why I’m having them

almost makes me think

maybe i can overcome this!

I just wish it was that easy.

I’ve been trying this new method

of laughing things off

or trying not to think of things all together

Keeping myself occupied.

I’ll get back to you with some result after i try it out

for more then a day ;D

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2 thoughts on “Processed Thoughts

  1. Paula says:

    Don’t cut that toe off, yet. 🙂

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