Emotional Disaster

Currently in one of those moods where i feel like i need closure!

Closure from what or who you ask?

I have no fucking clue.

I just need it

I want it

I crave it

I MUST have it!

It’s all i need right now

and i don’t even know where to get it.

Ive recently been working on myself.

I’m attempting to better myself

be more motivated about life.

Be that amazing person i believe, and what my mother believed i could be.

My first order of business was to lose some weight

Yes, i know i just had a baby

but after i had my first daugther i couldn’t lose weight

I stayed at about 195lbs for the first 15 months of her life

i am currently, drum roll pleasssssssssssssse!

170lbs :] i have reached my first goal, just in time.

170 by September 1st my 1st wedding anniversary.

[which i will not be celebrating with my husband for obvious reasons]

My next goal is 160 by the time Chris comes home

Which is soon, so i better get on that shit.

[[yeah i know girls don’t really tell people what the weigh

but come on, seriously were talking about me here]]

Anyways my next order of business is to apologize to people i feel like need an apology.

And I’ve already started!

Ive recently apologized to an ex boyfriend

Honestly, i really didn’t have to apologize,

but it was kind of a bad breakup and i was a bitch.

It happened about 2 weeks after my mothers death.

[December 26th 2008]

And i was to myself i couldn’t stand being around people.

Sometimes i still cant.

And i will finally admit it.

Even though he broke up with me

i think i secretly pushed him to do it.

We had a perfect relationship and there was no reason in the world to break up.

But i made it happen, and i blamed him because I’m a bitch.

And once again i apologize for that.

And to anybody else I’ve ever been a bitch to.

Whether it was intentional or not.

I’m really not a bad person, I’m just going through some issues with life.

And when i let those issues build up, i tend to lash out!

Moving on to the next thing

I’m thinking about doing yoga.

Someone recently has suggested to me

I’m really considering it.

They told me, it has help them during there recovery

and obviously that’s what I’m trying to do

recover!

Its funny, i feel like I’m kinda rambling today.

Please don’t stop reading

I enjoy knowing people are reading my thoughts

random people at that.

It makes me feel like people care

I don’t think of ever had much of that in my life.

People caring.

People knew i was being abused, but did nothing about it.

[[and no I’m not talking about the people who’ve apologized to me

for having somewhat of a clue about it]]

I’m talking about my friends.

The ones i actually told, when i had a chance.

Do you not realize, i was asking for help?

I didn’t need a shoulder to lean on.

I was relying on a select few people to get me out.

I knew i couldn’t on my own

and they failed me.

But its okay, i survived, and I’m still surviving.

I understand, you shouldn’t get involved

Its a scary situation

sooo, yeah i forgive you.

[[i will note that one of my best friends mother did help me, and she’s actually the reason why I’m not in that situation anymore, and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. seriously if it wasn’t for you i would be dead right now. Your like a second mother to me, and i thank you!]]

But back to talking about recovery.

what do you think of when you think of recovery?

15 year old innocent me, thought of:

Drug addicts.

Alcoholics.

Cutters.

Anything that had to do with destroying your body.

22 year me thinks of:

Change.

Moving on.

Looking at life in a different perspective.

Actually loving life.

and appreciating those in it.

I want recovery!

I want innocent Camille back.

Who knew nothing of abuse.

Nothing of depression.

And nothing of anxiety.

I want change

I need change!

I’m crying.

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