If Only…

And i miss feeling carefree
and happy
Living life with no care in the world
Why does that feeling ever have to go away.
Please bare with me
I’m sorry my blogs have been so depressing lately
I’m convinced it has to do with this deployment
mixed with the fact my birthday is coming up
i just miss my mom waking me up on my birthday
and the weeks before pretending its not coming up
I swear my mom was the sweetest person ever
it sucks, my mom was such a great person
but me and my sisters got stuck with the shitty parent
[if you can even call him a parent]
anyways, on top of that Chris wont even be home for my birthday
but then again, hes only spent one birthday with me since we’ve been together
so i guess its not that serious
It just sucks
Chris has always been there for me
He obviously wasn’t there when my mom died
but since i met him about a month later
he’s been there since
its so hard going through all these holidays without him
hes always been my rock
to get me through my depression and anxiety
and now that hes gone
and i cant talk to him when i need him
its getting harder to cope
and on top of that
i know my anxiety is going to hit even harder
the more it gets closer to him coming home
change is scary
and that’s whats going to happen
I’m so used to life going a certain way while hes gone
but once he comes back everything is going to go back to normal
its gonna be a hard adjustment for both of us, and our kids
i don’t know, i just wish i had something encouraging to say like i always do
Pretty much all i can say is what i always say
cherish your loved ones
cause you never know if there gonna go away
or disappear
for me
i wish i cherished my mom when she was alive
and i wish i cherished Chris when he was home
he deserves the world
and unfortunately i cant give it to him :/
I’m still baffled why hes even still with me
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4 thoughts on “If Only…

  1. Charity says:

    Thanks for the reminder. Why is it that it often takes them leaving before we realize we should have treated them better before they left?

    • cpaynelove says:

      i know, it often makes me wonder, if he feels like hes better off alone or find someone new…i sure hope not!

      • Charity says:

        I have found with my husband that any time we spend apart also causes him to reconsider his actions towards me while we were together. In many ways the distance is a blessing in disguise.

      • cpaynelove says:

        yes it is, when my husband gets back hes usually a tad bit more loving and caring and puts more effort into making me smile. I hate the distance but then again, it keeps the love alive. Sometimes i feel bad for people who cant witness military love, or just long distance love in general…when you finally see eachother again, it makes everything seem worth it and you fall in love over and over and over again!

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