I am a Survivor

I’m proud to say, i am a survivor of domestic violence
most people who’ve never been through it first response is
But why didn’t you just leave?
There second response usually is, your an idiot for staying.
But unless you’ve actually been through it, you’d understand
Its not that easy
They’re so many emotions attached to the situation
Not only are you in an unhealthy relationship with someone who gained your trust
But through all the beatings and the name calling, in the back of your head you think
“Oh this is the last time its gonna happen” or “Ill just take this beating and things will be back to normal”
But in reality, its not the last time NOR will things ever be normal again
No one should ever live like that
But at 15 i did
As a teenager, every love feels like your first love
And unfortunately he was my first love
A first love that turned tragic
I remember laying on his bed everyday wondering
“how could this happen to me, how did i become so stuck…how do i get out”
i would daydream about running away, or killing him
and even the worst case scenario of killing myself
I’ve sat there and plotted all these different situations and there outcomes
and none of them seemed good enough
If i ran away
id get beat possibly killed
if i killed him
id go to jail
If i killed myself
he would be held responsible for our son
none of it seemed like a good option
but i just wanted to get out
i lost all my freedom
i couldn’t talk to my family without him on the other line
i couldn’t go to the bathroom alone
i couldn’t take a shower without being watched
i was secluded to his bedroom
i remember waking up at 4 in the morning to make my son a bottle
and this bitched popped up like he was inhuman
it was scary.
Then one day, i figured i would end my life
i had this whole plan to just drink a whole bottle of some type a cleaner
[i assumed it would work]
i figured nothing else mattered, i was better off
but i knew i wasn’t, i still had a Conscience
Its funny i never thought people had a conscience before killing there self
but i did
and do you know what mine was
my younger sister
she was constantly in the back of my mind
i couldn’t stand thinking of what she would do to herself if i was gone
i find myself constantly thinking of her feelings over mine
And i found strength through her
she doesn’t know this but i still do to this day
shes always someone I’ve looked up to
and shes part of the reason I’m still here today
so if you ever find yourself in a situation like mine
just find that one strength to hold on and get out
whether your finding the strength to stay alive, or the strength to leave
its a good feeling to know theres something or someone
you can look forward to
it makes the struggle worth it!
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