Graduation Irritation

Graduation Day in high school
Can be the biggest accomplishment for most people
But for me i didnt know how to feel about it
When i first started my senior year in high school
I was so excited to graduate
but then my moms passing suddenly on December 26th 2008
Changed my perspective on EVERYTHING
My mom was so excited to see me walk and get my diploma
I was going to be the first out of my sisters to actually walk
[I’m the third oldest out of 4]
but then her passing gave me mixed feelings
i knew it was the one thing she always wanted
And i wanted to make her proud
Seeing her proud of me seemed like the only thing i could do to redeem myself
From all the pain i put her through while dealing with my abusive relationship
Yes, i know she was with me in spirit
but its not the same as seeing my moms big beautiful smile
Smiling back at me saying
“Cammy, I’m so proud of you”
I can just imagine her now with tears of joy
Just thinking of it brings me to tears
I wish she was there to witness me walk
I wish she was right there in the crowd cheering me on as one of my biggest supporters
Which she always was
Everything still seems like a nightmare to me
And i ready to wake up 
And tell her i did it, I’m a high school graduate
Unfortunately, this isn’t the kind of nightmare you wake up to.
Its the kind you just learn to accept and deal with
But i refuse to, not yet!

R.I.P mama, ill love you always and forever ❤

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