And it Never Really Goes Away

Thanks to stupid pregnancy dreams
Last night i had the scariest dream ever.
I’ve literally never felt so scared in my life!
I know no one really cares but i thought I’d share
It was pretty much about my sons father showing up at my house in the middle of the night
why he wasn’t in jail? i have no freaking clue
but for some reason my confidence in my dream was so strong
That i let him inside the house
Next thing i know he has like 5 other people with him
and there torturing me and my sister and my children
[obviously Chris is deployed so he wasn’t there]
Pretty much long story short
He killed my whole family.
OK well that’s the story, now here’s my random little rant
I usually go on
I honestly thought i was over the situation of him
And could move on
But apparently the fear isn’t anywhere near gone
Even though throughout the whole dream
I knew it was a dream, because he’s in jail for life
Something kept telling me what if he isn’t
I was literally scared shit less
I was shaking in my bed uncontrollably from fear
I was literally freaking shaking I’ve never done that before
Shit! i never even done that when i was with him and actually getting my ass beat
Last night was the worst feeling ever
I like to think of myself as a strong emotionless women with a tad bit of confidence
as weird as that sounds
but that dream made me question myself
It’s sad that, that part of my life when i was 15
Will forever haunt and traumatize me for the rest of my life
It’s not fair, and i pray that all violence towards women stop one day
Its not proving anything, besides the fact that some men are cowards
Imagine having to keep your guard up 24/7
Yes, i am married to the best man in the whole entire world
but that doesn’t mean, that i don’t keep the thought of
“What if” in the back of my mind
and its a horrible feeling
and its not only that, you cant trust anybody
and trust is a big factor in life
without it everything, and everyone becomes questionable
Unfortunately, until the day i come to peace with the situation
He’ll forever win and gain the satisfaction he’s always had
from the abuse
And I’m hoping, eventually i can look past the situation
and move forward with my life!

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